The Big Picture

I heard an amazing sermon about sin, suffering, and grace tonight. It brought up some of those familiar messages I hear about God being so much bigger than our sin, but it also gave a few new perspectives. Also, I'm a quote person, and the speaker shared a few quotes that pierced my heart (in a good way) about who I am made to be and what I ultimately need. It also reminded me of a poem I wrote a few days ago, so I'll share it with you after I discuss what particularly hit me tonight.

The speaker told us of the paralytic man in Mark 2 whose friends lower him into a house where Jesus is speaking, in hopes that Jesus will heal the man. I've been struck before by this story since Jesus does not go straight to work healing the man, but instead he first says, "Son, your sins are forgiven." It is jarring to read no matter how many times I've read it, since the topic of forgiveness doesn't even seem relevant in the situation. But the sermon I heard tonight affirmed what I've heard before about this story and Jesus in general: He sees the real need. He went on to heal the paralytic man, but first he addressed his soul. He addressed something the man may not even have thought about, since he was consumed with his paralytic state.

There were so many good points and quotes that were mentioned in the sermon, but one that specifically struck me was: "OFTEN WHAT I NEED IS NOT RELIEF; WHAT I NEED IS GOD." Wow. It's not that praying for relief is bad, or that God wants to see us constantly suffer, but how often do I concentrate on my "paralysis" or something that seems paralyzing to me, when what I need is God? All of Him. His conviction, His forgiveness, His love, His revelation. Perhaps concentrating on how much I am suffering is what makes and keeps me "paralyzed" in the first place. Oddly enough, I used the term "analysis paralysis" in the poem I wrote below.

This is not to say that we deny our suffering. God wants our laughs as much as He wants our tears. I believe suffering teaches us a lot about ourselves and God and can lead to amazing growth. But another brilliant quote from tonight was, "It is easy to want things from God and not God Himself." Again I was confronted with how well God knows me and how freeing it is just seeking Him with no agenda. Do I still suffer? Yes. But understanding God's incredible gift of grace, not just accepting it speedily and moving on to ask Him about my secondary suffering, can put things in perspective if I allow it to.

Only God can look beyond my paralysis and heal me where I truly need it. Only He knows what the pieces in His infinite jigsaw puzzle will create.

This well-known verse comes to mind as well to illustrate how I sometimes seek relief or trivial things before I seek God:

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." -Matthew 6:31-33

I get impatient, confused, angry, hurt, and lonely, but I wrote this poem last week to remind me that someone sees all that, knows all that, and loves me anyway. It is easier said than done to fully grasp and know this. But the more I seek Him, the more it sinks in. And I look forward to continually getting up, taking my mat, and walking it out.

"Only You"

Only You know what makes me happy

Only You know what makes me laugh

Only You know when that laugh is hiding tears

Only You see when I truly give in to my fears

Only You know when I feel at the end of my rope

Only You know all the ways I try to cope

Only You get who I am and don't try to change my quirks, but improve me out of perfect love

Only You know why I limit myself and all that I'm capable of

Only You genuinely appreciate my adoration

of food, dance, comedy, and real conversation

Only You know how fiercely loyal and loving I can be

when someone steps out onto the limb with me

Only You know how many tears I've cried

over hopes that were dashed and dreams that have died

Only you know how hard I try every day

to move forward with a smile, though I don't know the way

Only You know how guilty and ridiculous I feel

for dwelling too long in pain when others need to heal

Only You know how much time I spend in my head

when I could just start moving toward something instead

Only You know what is ultimately best for me

and how patient or frustrated I am while waiting to see

if you'll unveil another step of your plan to me soon

or if I should just stop thinking about it and shoot for the moon

Only You know how much time and emotion I invest

trying to figure out when to take a step and when to rest

Only You know how burned out I get with life's uncertainty,

how I can't let myself return to depression so I try to keep the glass half-full, desperately

Only You know all I will encounter and all the mistakes I'll make

Only You know what triumphs and falls will result from the risks I take

Only You in the end are the one who knows me, better than I know myself

Only You know when my book of life will end and retire upon a shelf

Only You know. ONLY YOU. And it can frustrate me beyond all measure

But those moments when analysis paralysis ceases, my surrender evokes a calm, clear pleasure.

Only You know how long that feeling will last and what other mountains I'll have to climb

But Only You have infinite patience and love and, thankfully, infinite time

I can tend to procrastinate or other times rush to figure out the whos, whats, whens, wheres, and whys

But when I truly get that it's a millisecond on Your eternal calendar, my anxiety is dwarfed by Your size

Only You are what I need

Only You will remain

May I step into that big picture and not paint my own canvas in vain