Christian dating is something I’ve thought about and discussed amongst friends for a while. I’m thoroughly intrigued by relationships and psychology, and dating in the Christian world can be as frustrating as—if not more so than—that in the non-Christian world.
No one is perfect, but since when is it okay for Christian men to not hold themselves to a higher standard, or even the standard of men in the secular world? I am not a man hater and do not think this applies to all men, but I will not feign blissful ignorance and go along with what some Christian dating has become.
I have been blessed to meet some great examples of Christian men and I truly encourage them in their walks and in being lights to others. I do not take their amazing words and actions for granted. I only wish more men would follow their lead.
But I have noticed startling tendencies in some Christian men. Men who read trendy Christian books or lead Bible studies and can put on quite a good show, but then reveal a much different story through their words and actions. What truly scares me is that some of these men flock together so their words and actions may be seen as normal and are continually rationalized instead of challenged in love. I have told many of these men how I feel, even just as a female friend in their life, so this is not a passive aggressive rant toward anyone in particular. It is a more complete picture of what I have seen however, and I wish to spread it to any man willing to keep an open mind.
These lies that the world is telling men and men are telling or showing each other are a poison. A subtle poison because some men carry on this way in comfortable cluelessness—never addressing their issues, wounding women in their path and tarnishing what God meant for relationships.
I am far from perfect. I made mistakes, make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. But I truly try to delve deep into my feelings and actions and find the rotten roots so I can properly remove them and replace them with emotional and spiritual health.
I refuse to accept this status quo poison that has been accepted by some men in the Church and I call my amazing Christian brothers to stand up and do the same.
I write this partially out of sadness, frustration and despair, but it is not about me. It is truly about all of us preventing this from spreading in whatever way we can. Maybe that sounds overdramatic, but I don’t see the situation improving through people skirting issues and having friends secretly pray for them. Where is honesty and personal responsibility?
I am not going to yell at any of my male Christian friends or stop my relationship with them. I am merely giving some of them a glimpse of what other women and I go through and letting them know the current M.O. some of them ascribe to is propaganda.
It is one thing for non-Christian males to hold themselves to a standard they or the world has created. But this is not our calling as Christians. The mark of God in our lives should be apparent, not something we try to prove with our Christianese ways and then negate in our relationships.
As I see these lies being lived out more and more it leads me to wonder where this came from and how it has become so normal in some men’s lives and even in some women’s lives to the point that we may think something is wrong with us for wanting more.
Who spread this poison?
Who spread this poison that any inkling of commitment or vulnerability is frightening or unmanly so men should not invest any of themselves—their time, money, emotions, or thoughts?
Who spread this poison that ignoring a woman or observing the “three-day rule” is the way to her heart?
Who spread this poison that it is normal to never have had a significant romantic relationship?
Who spread this poison that women should appreciate and expect no more than whatever little bone they’re thrown?
Who spread this poison that it is the acceptable norm to ask a woman out via text, IM or e-mail?
Who spread this poison that a man’s female friends should not be truly respected, treasured and cared for as sisters in Christ, regardless of whether a romantic relationship is possible?
Who spread this poison that opening doors, walking women to cars and paying for them is outdated as opposed to signs of respect?
Who spread this poison that a cup of coffee initiated or bought by a man is scary since it might implicate—gasp!—that he is interested in a woman?
Who spread this poison that blind Christian men can lead blind Christian men and they’ll all somehow get married and live happily ever after one day?
Who spread this poison that “I’m a guy” is an excuse for giving in to base instincts and fears and a woman should expect no more?
Who spread this poison that Christians are not to be held to a higher standard?
Many took their part in spreading this, but it is our role to stop it.
Stop the poison.
Men and women, respect and challenge each other, whether it’s as friends or significant others.
It must start somewhere and I am doing my part.
Now men, please do yours by being a challenging light to the men in your life, truly examining yourself and weeding out these lies. If you’re already doing that, then others and I are truly grateful.
Women, please encourage the men in your life to live up to their potential and let them know what you appreciate about them.
We are all ultimately God's children--not enemies--so why hurt each other? I love all of you and truly hope we can destroy any and all lies together.
