Christian dating is something I’ve thought about and discussed amongst friends for a while. I’m thoroughly intrigued by relationships and psychology, and dating in the Christian world can be as frustrating as—if not more so than—that in the non-Christian world.
No one is perfect, but since when is it okay for Christian men to not hold themselves to a higher standard, or even the standard of men in the secular world? I am not a man hater and do not think this applies to all men, but I will not feign blissful ignorance and go along with what some Christian dating has become.
I have been blessed to meet some great examples of Christian men and I truly encourage them in their walks and in being lights to others. I do not take their amazing words and actions for granted. I only wish more men would follow their lead.
But I have noticed startling tendencies in some Christian men. Men who read trendy Christian books or lead Bible studies and can put on quite a good show, but then reveal a much different story through their words and actions. What truly scares me is that some of these men flock together so their words and actions may be seen as normal and are continually rationalized instead of challenged in love. I have told many of these men how I feel, even just as a female friend in their life, so this is not a passive aggressive rant toward anyone in particular. It is a more complete picture of what I have seen however, and I wish to spread it to any man willing to keep an open mind.
These lies that the world is telling men and men are telling or showing each other are a poison. A subtle poison because some men carry on this way in comfortable cluelessness—never addressing their issues, wounding women in their path and tarnishing what God meant for relationships.
I am far from perfect. I made mistakes, make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. But I truly try to delve deep into my feelings and actions and find the rotten roots so I can properly remove them and replace them with emotional and spiritual health.
I refuse to accept this status quo poison that has been accepted by some men in the Church and I call my amazing Christian brothers to stand up and do the same.
I write this partially out of sadness, frustration and despair, but it is not about me. It is truly about all of us preventing this from spreading in whatever way we can. Maybe that sounds overdramatic, but I don’t see the situation improving through people skirting issues and having friends secretly pray for them. Where is honesty and personal responsibility?
I am not going to yell at any of my male Christian friends or stop my relationship with them. I am merely giving some of them a glimpse of what other women and I go through and letting them know the current M.O. some of them ascribe to is propaganda.
It is one thing for non-Christian males to hold themselves to a standard they or the world has created. But this is not our calling as Christians. The mark of God in our lives should be apparent, not something we try to prove with our Christianese ways and then negate in our relationships.
As I see these lies being lived out more and more it leads me to wonder where this came from and how it has become so normal in some men’s lives and even in some women’s lives to the point that we may think something is wrong with us for wanting more.
Who spread this poison?
Who spread this poison that any inkling of commitment or vulnerability is frightening or unmanly so men should not invest any of themselves—their time, money, emotions, or thoughts?
Who spread this poison that ignoring a woman or observing the “three-day rule” is the way to her heart?
Who spread this poison that it is normal to never have had a significant romantic relationship?
Who spread this poison that women should appreciate and expect no more than whatever little bone they’re thrown?
Who spread this poison that it is the acceptable norm to ask a woman out via text, IM or e-mail?
Who spread this poison that a man’s female friends should not be truly respected, treasured and cared for as sisters in Christ, regardless of whether a romantic relationship is possible?
Who spread this poison that opening doors, walking women to cars and paying for them is outdated as opposed to signs of respect?
Who spread this poison that a cup of coffee initiated or bought by a man is scary since it might implicate—gasp!—that he is interested in a woman?
Who spread this poison that blind Christian men can lead blind Christian men and they’ll all somehow get married and live happily ever after one day?
Who spread this poison that “I’m a guy” is an excuse for giving in to base instincts and fears and a woman should expect no more?
Who spread this poison that Christians are not to be held to a higher standard?
Many took their part in spreading this, but it is our role to stop it.
Stop the poison.
Men and women, respect and challenge each other, whether it’s as friends or significant others.
It must start somewhere and I am doing my part.
Now men, please do yours by being a challenging light to the men in your life, truly examining yourself and weeding out these lies. If you’re already doing that, then others and I are truly grateful.
Women, please encourage the men in your life to live up to their potential and let them know what you appreciate about them.
We are all ultimately God's children--not enemies--so why hurt each other? I love all of you and truly hope we can destroy any and all lies together.
4 comments:
I am truly disappointed in your stance on this subject. It sounds a lot like blame to me. We are all broken people, living in a broken world. I am not saying we shouldn't hold ourselves to a higher standard, or that men shouldn't be the spiritual leaders in a relationship. I am saying, however, that these words scream blame and hurt. I will pray for you.
Kyle,
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I know this cannot be easy to read for some of my male friends, but I was honestly trying to highlight some of the ways that some--not all--men conduct themselves in relationships, and how it negates their role as leaders.
I am not excluding myself or women at all from the role that we play in relationships. This entry was just meant to focus on men since they are called to be the initiators, so when that role is negated, then things pretty much fall apart from step one.
As for my words screaming blame and hurt, I freely admit that I have been hurt. If I hadn't, I probably would not have written this entry. However, after months of being patient, wondering if my standards were unreasonable or I was exaggerating because of my own past pain, I realize that these incidents
I have experienced through men's actions and honest words still go against the role God made men to play. A few of my male friends have responded to my entry, saying that they recognize some of these things in themselves and that I should not settle for less, so I am not imagining this.
Regarding blame, this entry was meant to be a wake up call to some men about the negative behaviors they may believe are acceptable, but I admit that I blame them for their actions, much as women are to blame for their own actions. We are also each responsible for how we respond to others' actions, but that does not mean I magically turn my feelings off and accept negative behaviors. We are all indeed broken, but I feel that sometimes serves as an excuse for people to not deal with their issues.
Past wounds that have left us fearful, hurt or insecure play a role in what may inspire us to resort to hurtful actions, but it is ultimately our role to find the root in ourselves and remove it so we can ALL stop the cycle of hurting each other.
I hope you were able to understand more of what I am saying and know that I do not blame men for all relationship problems. If not, I still very much appreciate you listening and I am thankful for your prayers.
Hi Jessica, this is Peter from Warehouse. Thanks for you candor and openness.
When I was younger I did something similar with my friends. I would ask the question "why are girls so flaky" in an accusational fashion. This was because I felt I had been burned by a couple of women I had asked out. I wondered why there were so many horrible women and I wanted to change them all.
As I got older, I heard some of the horror stories that my female friends told me about men they were interested in and how they felt those men didn't treat women well. I realized that maybe this was something that went both ways.
As the years have progressed, I have known some guys whom I believe to be really good guys who were really hurt by women, and I also have known some really great women who were really hurt by men.
I think we need to realize the ignorance we each have with how other people perceive our actions or lack thereof.
Christian girls want Christian guys to ask them out and are frustrated when they don't. Christian guys are terrified of asking out Christian girls because they're afraid they'll get horribly rejected (I know a guy who has a really bad story).
Christian girls are frustrated that Christian guys aren't good leaders. Christian guys are frustrated that Christian girls aren't good followers.
Christian girls are frustrated when Christian guys give them mixed signals. Christian guys are frustrated when Christian girls give them mixed signals.
I like your reply saying that you are only highlighting some of the ways that some men conduct themselves because I think you've really just opening up sort of a battle of sexes for Christian dating.
Now I am ignorant to your situation and am even ignorant to how Christian guys treat Christian girls (there have been a couple of guys I thought were really solid until some of my close female friends told me how sketchy they were around women). However, from my experience I know it's really easy to see the flaws that you have a vested interest in, and not see the greater flaws that exist in everyone. Again, I don't know your situation and don't want to invalidate your perspective. I would just like to supplement it with a reciprocal perspective.
I pray that everything will turn out as God plans in the end.
Okay, so as much as I want to be like, "Hey, this Peter guy knows what he's talking about," I just can't do it. Part of me is definitely attracted to his stance in that it puts everybody on the same level. But, when it comes down to it I can't really adhere to either Peter or Jessica's generalized views on Christians and dating.
The thing is that I have a bunch of Christian girlfriends who have been choked about not being able to find any quality Christian guys. As far as I'm concerned it's sort of a load of bunk. I know that amongst my girlfriends they've taken the old fashioned idea of guys being initiators way too far. As far as I'm concerned, girls have to communicate interest to guys just as much as the other way around regardless of who actually does the 'asking out.' If a girl doesn't show interest outwardly in any way the guy probably isn't going to ask her out. That's where my girlfriends drop the ball all the time. I mean, if you're into some guy how hard is it to casually say, "So, are you dating anyone right now?" It's not forceful, but it gets the point of being interested across.
But, the thing that a lot of my girlfriends do that drives me crazy is lumping all Christian guys into the same boat. It's getting so friggin' old. I mean, it's kind of fair to look at the numbers of how many dudes are even going to church versus girls going. There's got to be widespread, heavy imbalance. I know that in my city there are a lot more women who go to church than men. But, maybe the inavailability of guys in the church has a lot more to do with how we do church than the character of the guys. I know that I could go on a little bit of a rant myself just about the idea of not feeling all that masculine at church, but I won't.
I guess I kind of believe that Christ's approach to helping people live better and love better is more often than not an individual thing. For sure there are times when certain problems are widespread enough that it should be addressed within a church, but just one church as opposed to the universal church. I mean the epistles are fair, because they were directed at small groups of people whom the author was personally familiar with. So, then for you, Jessica to say that your post isn't a passive aggressive jab at anyone in particular, I'm like, "Well, maybe it's not fair for you to speak so generally."
At the same time, I think I may have been more willing to hear you out about the general stuff if you were more specific. It seems to me that you may have alluded to some crappy, sexual behavior. I think that it's awesome for both girls and guys to have high standards for how far they're willing to go sexually before marriage. I definitely adhere to this, because I think that some of the deepest hurt can come from going to far with someone you don't stay with. That's hard stuff. But, speaking generally, not all dudes are douches when it comes to sex.
I'm really glad for your candid writing on this subject though. It's important for us as Christians to openly dialogue about relationships. It makes me a little bit sad though that you and I didn't talk deeply more when we were together on DTS.
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